Best Kept Secret by Jeffrey Archer – digested read
Cunning plotter … Jeffrey Archer. Illustration: Matt Blease (detail). Click to see full
Big Ben struck as the lord chancellor pondered the cliffhanger that had gripped the whole nation. Should Giles Barrington or Harry Clifton inherit the ancient title of Barringtonshire? "I find in favour of Sir Giles," he said eventually. The country heaved a sigh of relief. Now Harry was free to marry Giles's sister, Emma, without another of Jeffrey's leaden plot twists.
"Oh my darling," Harry said. "My publisher wants me to go to America to meet Clark Gable."
"That's exciting," Emma yawned. "While you are away, I will learn how to run the family shipping company and adopt the daughter your father never knew he had. She will go nicely with our brilliant son Sebastian, who everyone says is sure to get a scholarship to Oxford or Cambridge."
"Why do we always have these ridiculous expository conversations?" asked Harry.
"Shut up," Jeffrey snapped. "And hurry up and tell her you are now top of the bestseller lists thanks to another of your clever tricks."
"Hello," swooned Giles. "I'd like to introduce you all to my horrible fiancee, Lady Virginia."
"She's a nasty piece of work," said Elizabeth, the mother of Giles, Emma and quite possibly Harry. "Luckily, I am dying of cancer, so I can change my will to make sure she and Giles don't get a penny."
"Damn you all," Lady Virginia shouted. "I am going to divorce Giles immediately."
"Oh well," said Giles. "I was never quite sure why I was supposed to find you attractive anyway."
"I thought it was a dramatic plot twist," said Jeffrey.
"Could have fooled us," said Harry. "But it's a relief we can all be friends again."
Virginia contacted the dastardly Alex Fisher, who had never liked Giles. "I have a cunning plan to ruin Barrington Shipping by doing the sort of clever insider trading that Jeffrey was once accused of."
"Aha," said the fragrant Emma. "I have an even more cunning insider trading plot that will thwart Virginia."
"Foiled again," shrieked Virginia, stamping her foot while seven months pregnant with the child of an Italian playboy.
Alex cursed his luck that Giles had also got the better of him once again. "I will have my revenge by getting myself selected as the Conservative candidate to fight Giles in his Bristol constituency. A bit of cunning trickery that only a complete idiot would dream up should see me home."
"I hereby declare," said the returning officer after a cliffhanger that had the whole country gulping down Mogadon. "The conservatives have 18,325 votes and Labour has 18,324 …"
"Not so fast," squeaked Sebastian, who was now fluent in 18 languages. "I saw the Conservative hiding two of Uncle Giles's votes – so he wins after all!"
A week later, Sebastian was called in to see the headmaster. "You have won the top scholarship to Cambridge, but I shall have to rusticate you for shagging a member of the lower orders. You do so remind me of Jeffrey."
Sebastian took the train to London for no good reason whatsoever and went to work in a Paddington hotel before visiting his friend Bruno Martinez. "Aha," said Bruno's father, Don Pedro. "If you go to Argentina and bring back a package for me, I will pay you £100."
"We have discovered that Hitler is alive and well in South America," said the head of MI5. "And Don Pedro is flooding the UK with fake Nazi fivers hidden inside one of Rodin's Thinker statues. So Sebastian is just the very schoolboy to foil the plot."
"That," declared Giles, "is so absurd – even by Jeffrey's standards – that I shall also go to Argentina to join Princess Margaret on her royal visit."
"I willa keela thata Sebastian," snarled Don Pedro.
The car Sebastian and Bruno were in was forced off the road. One of the boys was to be killed in yet another gripping cliffhanger. "Please let it be me," they both begged. "I can't face being in the sequel."
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